Wednesday, January 16, 2019

To those who will take the same path, learn from the ones who didn’t make it back.

By Mestiza

MAY 21, 2017 

People ask why.
The ones asked, do not know.

It is at that moment you feel your deadness while you still breathe. It is at that moment when it is not the pain that’s pushing you to the edge but the hollowness of your being that you cannot fathom. You cannot give a reason or an excuse but you are drawn to it as if it is a need you cannot ignore. You cannot tell anyone not because you are afraid to be judged but because of your own shame to yourself for not bearing the weight of your burden. Then it lurks in on your solitude, away from the eyes that will shed tears once you are gone. You do not contemplate on what you are about to do, but you simply decide it’s time. You lift yourself from the ordinariness of your situation and the numbness of your condition. You take the rope; fold it to reinforce its strength so it can hold your full weight. You tie it around a thick large nail half- driven into the concrete wall then a knot at the other end. You take the pink stool from under the bed. You place it against the wall. You stand on it. You slide your head into the knot. It fits perfectly around your beautiful neck. Your heartbeat does not race. There is astrange calmness in your chest. You feel the stool with your right foot. You push it aside. You let yourself drop. You feel the rope tighten. Your neck stiffens as if it’s trying to fight back. The veins in your temple and below your jaw throb. You hear it from inside your ears. Your eyes start to water. It feels warm. Something in your throat tries to push itself up. It raises the back of your tongue up to the roof of your mouth. You feel your tongue thickens. The tip of your fingers tingles. Slowly, you cannot move your feet. You do not think of anything. Your life does not flash before your eyes. You do not gasp for air but it slowly thins away. Your breath is short and shallow. Your vision slowly goes black, maybe because your lids shut or the eyes roll. Then the rope snaps. You cannot catch your fall because your knees feel weak. Then there’s familiar scratch on the lower part of the door. Two tiny hands. You struggle yourself up. You wipe your face clean. You take a deep breath. You open the door. She’s barely two years old. You carried her back to the living room. You detach once again, gently closing the door behind you. You sit on the corner of your bed. Staring blankly at nothing. Everything goes back to normal. But just on the outside. The one that is not obscure. The emptiness has not gone away. Two weeks pass. You are back again. But this time, it’s a leather belt. You set yourself free. And this time, the nail releases itself from the concrete wall. Nobody knocks on the door. You have time to collect yourself. You do not stand up. Your head feels light as if you have just awakened from a deep trance. You think "why twice?" You try and twice you failed. You convince yourself it must be a sign. It tells you have to persist. That you continue until you resurrect from the demise of something within you. And all shall be realized but not today. You will when it is not there anymore. When you look back. When the memory of your senses come rushing back so vividly. When you question yourself what kind of courage you must have mustered to make you so capable. You are a prisoner of your own self. You hand down the sentence, you await your execution. You feel the coldness of the concrete floor. Your stomach churns. You bury your face in the palm of your hands. And you cry as though you have never cried before.

To those who came through, do not forget what you’ve almost lost.

To those who will take the same path, learn from the ones who didn’t make it back.

Monday, January 14, 2019


Have you ever thought of "it"?of just doing "it"?to just get "it" over with?
I know you thought of "it". You think of "it".
"It" is so simple too simple. Isn't "it"?
"it" is what "it" is.
So what don'y you just do "it"?
What is stopping you from doing "it"?

everybody else is doing "it"
why don't you do "it"?
you should be doing "it"
but you're not?
"It" doesn't makes sense.

just do "it". I know you can do "it". I can do "it". everybody can do "it"
you can actually get away with "it"

but does "it" even matter anyway if you do "it" or not do "it"?
because "it" does'n't matter. "it" doesn't even make sense.
don't metion "it" but do tell me about "it"
"it" hurts, but "it" is ok
so does "it" even matter anyway
if you do "it"?
or not do "it"?

"it" is time
for what?

Sunday, January 13, 2019

The Poetry of the Body

Every curve and every word
Or the lack thereof
Every wrinkle, every scar, every stretch mark
Or the lack thereof

a rhyme and a shape
a reason and a motion
the body, your poetry

Is it
short like a haiku?
long like an epic poetry?
tight like metered poetry?
loose like free verse?

Nothing but words

And the lack thereof, of shape
Of size
of hair, 
or the abundance thereof

is but our poetic license

to be perfectly imperfect..
to be desired
to be politically correct,
and even to be...uninspired

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Running Journal No. 3: A Reason to Run

 “Somebody in the hospital is begging God for the opportunity you have right now”

Though he may not have been talking about running, what motivational speaker T.D. jakes said hits the spot as to why we need to be running or just to be fit.

If you’ve ever been hospitalized, you might know the feeling of helplessness of not being able to do what you want your body to do as every movement means pain. You are tied to your bed. Add the feeling of knowing how much time and money your family members are spending on you, the feeling of looking at their distraught faces as they worry about your condition instead of them enjoying the holidays.

If not,  you could remember suffering a nasty hang over where you vow in vain never to touch alcohol again, and there you are taking a break from work or school but unable to do anything else and nothing seems to cure it.

These feelings should be remembered because they make running (or any form of physical activity) extra special. The Cinderella song title says it all “Don’ Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)”. Of course, the song is about a lover who loses his/her beloved and now pines for a second chance and laments that in the end all he has is the song. With enough imagination, you could replace enough words so that the song will now sound as if the speaker is asking for a second chance from his body because he knows now what he lost.

Regardless, we enjoy our body and these movements while we can because no one can never really predict what could happen and that soon we will reach an age where we can no longer run.
What is that age?

The oldest half marathon finisher is reported to be 101 years old. Other full marathon finishers do not trail far finishing their marathons at 90 -100 years old.

If we maintain it (running and fitness) long enough and add in a bit of luck…

We never go gently into the night: we will go into it running and kicking.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Almost a Fairy Tale (pt. 1 of 4)

A knight was walking on a beaten path when a womanly cry for help sounded from the distance. At once the knight followed the voice like a predator sniffing its prey. He got there in no time.

Above the tower surrounded by a moat, a lady was shrieking. On the pool, ripples are forming around a set of barely noticeable glowing monster eyes. It could have been from a sea dragon, or a shark.  

The knight drew his blade and in one slash, chopped a nearby tree to serve as a ladder towards the tower. He has exceptionally strong as he carried the log and immediately placed it from one end of the pool to the tower window. He rushed to sound of help but stopped just as he was about to extend his hand to an exceptionally beautiful maiden who, in turn, was happily surprised at his presence.

But before the lady could complete her smile, the knight said:

“Forgive me my lady, but I am not a knight in shining armor. My armor is far from shining, it is battered, it is rusting, and… I must admit, it reeks of sweat and human flesh.”

“what do you mean?” asked the maiden.

“I have been in a war ever since I could lift a wooden sword.”, said the knight inviting himself inside the spacious but messy room. And the endless sieges I have been fighting since then did not afford me enough time to mend the chinks in my armor. I repaired only what was needed for the battles I need to fight.”

(he said this as he was surveying the contents of the room)

“Neither do I shine on the inside: the sweat and human flesh you can smell from my armor may not be from my dead enemies…More than that I may need your help in slaying whatever is below the water. I smell bounty, the kingdom is rife with talk of a water dragon that has been pillaging the swan boats of the park. Yes, my lady I am poor as well, I am no prince who will bring you to my castle. but I will get save you, if you help me. Take  this dagger and together we will try to get out of this alive and get a dragon head on the way out”

(hands an iron dagger to the lady and jumps back into the window sill. He extends his hand)

The lady took dagger and continued her smile.

“My dear knight, who ever said I needed a savior?  I was shouting because there was...a cockroach.”

(To be continued)

Thursday, January 10, 2019

ODA Episode 2: Watch Ads to Gain Gems: A Conspiracy

I was playing this android kid game with my niece when an app popped out. I quickly told her to close it but she was already tapping on the close ad button. She has seen this before.

These days, the lifeblood of app developers seem to be drawn from allowing advertisements from another party. We gamers are told to watch ads to gain some gems or to rush the production of this part of the castle, or the training of this soldier or even to open a treasure. Who wouldn’t? It’s almost free and there is nothing to lose but a few seconds of doing nothing.

Sounds harmless enough as you could always just turn away from the phone during these seconds. It’s what everybody else is doing; we don’t really watch the ads.

But if skipping it and turning away from it is so easy, then why do advertisers insist on this method and why even on a kids game?

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Poem at Mt. Yangbew

a man stands with an illusion 

of power  for being able to see it all

for standing tall despite  it all

but one misstep on this rock; fragile bones shatter

on this rock that is but a small bump 

on  the mountain that could swallow them both.

Above, the endless sky humbles  mountain, rock, and man

but this too is an illusion 

for the sky is nothing but a reflection 

of something lower , much lower than the mountain

softer than the rock

and just as destructive as them all

The sky is also an extension of nothingness

of the nothingness we try to fill

with moments captured by pictures

given meaning by words

Fade To Black

Hero(played by Aga Mulach) makes his body a shield to save the Heroin (played by Angel Locsin ). He catches several bullets, some of which from a high powered sniper rifle. Bleeding, he drops to the ground. Red is splattered all over his white polo. His face, a contortion of pain and love.

The scene fades into black.

Just like the spaces between the words, the line break between paragraphs, the spaces between the panes of a comic book,  the loading screen, the endless waiting time between day to day, between one meaningful event unto another.

Just what is in this space?

Monday, January 7, 2019

Running Journal No. 2: Trail Running

Visited to check the distance we ran yesterday and I was almost disappointed to find out that it was not as far as the maintenance run. But this was a trail run and that makes all the difference.

The trail is a different beast altogether presenting unique challenges and benefits that you may not encounter when you run the road or the athletic oval.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Book Review: The Kouga Ninja Scrolls

Romeo and Juliet meets Naruto in this novel that served as basis for the popular anime series Basilisk (2005) and the live-action film Shinobi (2007)

Having watched both the anime and the action film, I was intrigued to find out that both were based on a novel. (saw it from a seller online and it was an instabuy)

Our Daily Abyss Episode 1: Single Guy Attends a Wedding

If you are single and you attend a wedding, chances are you will be asked the big question (more so if you are at my age group).
"When is your turn?"

There was a part in the program where the emcee asked for the principal sponsors to share some words of wisdom for the newly weds. The principal sponsors were either too busy eating, left the building or like us in the group -we really had nothing to say aside from sincerely wishing the newly weds the best.

Well, we, who are unmarried what words of wisdom can we share? I recall talking to someone before and finding out that principal sponsors or ninongs and ninangs of the wedding are those who are married themselves.

Friday, January 4, 2019

Three Poems

Before The Wedding Feast pt. 1

They drag the pig by its tail, then it s ears; they tied one of each leg
The pig continues to squeal
and shake until it can do so
no more
(Next pig...)
In the meantime, hold the beans and snap them,skin the potatoes and drown them.
Becuase later we will
celebrate the union of souls

Aha! Ha?

Looking for satori
We found mono no aware
What did we find again?

Before The Wedding Feast Pt. 2

The pigs were piled together
Each one tied to their feet
Some try to nibble their way to freedom
But throw in some pig food and they will
Forget about the leash...
They shouldn't
They live for this moment
Was bred for this very moment
And we shall Feast

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Solving Metamorphosis Chapter 4: Are you a Brave Idiot or a Wise Coward?

CCTV dream sequence part 1 of 3

"yu hav a det vish, all hu vander into da abyzz nevar kam back and vor doze dat do return( and I rememberr onli van,) ,  he vaz zucked in agen...nevar to return."

(The video is split, one from the vantage point of the desk showing who comes in and out and the other from a vantage point with the purpose of showing who is behind the desk and what object gets in and out of from the stock. The "customer is wearing a police officer's uniform standing in front of the custodian's desk with a dilapidated sign that says "on leave". Sitting behind it, is an inmate with hair like pasta)

(subtitles brought to you by -----)

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Running Journal No. 1: The Plan

Let’s skip the part where we need to say why we are running.

Today marks the first step in re-installing running into my system. Around three years ago, I used to run at least 3 times a week. Gradually, however, it went down to only one run a week, sometimes even once every two weeks. I hold no excuses but my own laziness.

This afternoon, I took my dog Tyrion out for a run - much to his delight. This is the first type of the three runs I will be doing every week.

As mentioned, this run would involve running with the dog. A double edged run as the dog needs his run as well.  This will be an easy run at a “relaxed” pace and with a distance that is just enough to make me sweat. The distance and pacing will gradually increase depending on the results of the next run and if the dog adopts well. For now, it is an uphill downhill run of just 3 Kilometers. This run serves to maintain the level of fitness demanded by the next run.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Why Make a New Year’s Resolution? (An Existential Take)

We meet the lights in the sky with our eyes open wide; we crane our necks for whichever direction the short lived explosions will meet the darkness. We make noise; we blast our horns.  We celebrate- saying goodbye to the old year and meeting the new one.

But that is only half the story.

Because deep inside, we are also jolted by another noise, another light albeit not as fancy as the ones we see, not as loud as the ones we hear. But it is just as heavy as the food, leaves a hangover like the booze.